The Real Walk of Shame

Have you ever walked out of REI (camping/outdoor store) covered from chest to toe in crap? I have and I can testify that doing so is the true meaning of the walk of shame.

(a toned down picture after I had wiped most of it off but you can at least get an idea of what I might have looked like walking out of REI)

It all started last night when I made Reese a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner, she's allergic to dairy so I was trying some dairy free vegan cheese that I found at the grocery store. She had no issue with it, ate it, enjoyed it, all that good stuff. This morning we went to Ikea to look at rugs and part way through the trip she started screaming and crying out in pain and there was nothing I could do about it. We got in the car and I got her some apple juice and it appeared as if she must have had a gas bubble or a stomach cramp or something because when we got home she had perked up and shortly there after she pooped, just a run of the mill poop. We figured since she seemed to be okay now it was okay to resume our errands. We went and got lunch, went over to the mall for about 10 mins and then headed to REI where I wanted to check some stuff out. I was looking at some hiking backpacks while Reese was standing next to me playing with some of the straps on a different bag, I picked her up and put her in one of them (they were the child carrier kind, I don't just shove my kid in backpacks) and thank god I only had her in there for a minute before I took her out and stood her on the ground next to me because as soon as I put the backpack back on the shelf and picked her up she pooped and it shot out the back of her diaper and dripped down both legs. In a split second I was suddenly covered in poop and I mean covered. It was running down my arm, one side of my shirt and pants and poop streaming down it and it was even on my foot and toe. As I stood there for a split second taking in what had just happened my mom noticed and ran out to the car to grab the diaper bag. There was a little on the floor but just a few drops compared to what I was wearing. I stood guard over the mess fearful to move since I didn't want to streak poop across the entire store. While my mom was gone a girl walked down the aisle and I apologized and told her to watch her step, once she took in the sight she offered to run grab some paper towels for me. When my mom got back she cleaned up the floor which she got near spotless and I flagged down an employee to alert them to the now cleaned up floor. I then had to walk over to the bathroom covered in crap holding a baby covered in crap. I finally got Reese stripped down and washed up and was able to at least wipe most of the poop off of me and when there was no more I could do I walked from the very back of REI still covered in and reeking of poop, holding a nearly naked baby. My mom was rushing to the door embarassed and I too was hurrying but let's be honest, when you're covered in crap there is no look or comment someone can give to make you any more embarassed so you just have to hold her head high and say "ya, I'm covered in baby poop and smell like crap."

Moral of the story, no more vegan cheese for Reese and let's pray that it has now passed her system and that she won't wake up from her nap covered in crap.

(Just to show that I wasn't exaggerating when I said chest to toe)